The End to Performance (Maybe Now Poem)

GGS Performs Maybe Now from GCE Lab School on Vimeo.

The cashier's hand grazes mine

And I jolt away

Struck by lightning

Cold metal smashes into my palm

Don’t touch me

Don’t touch me

I sit on the train

Still as a cemetary

Don’t touch me

Don’t touch me

We near my stop

Before I can breathe

We jostle to a halt

Bodies colliding

Falling onto me

Every fiber of my being

Wants to run

Maybe now

I won’t tremble every time

Someone touches me

Because I feel

His slimy hands

I find serenity in you

But you’re too close

Too close

TOO CLOSE

I retreat

Maybe now

I won’t run when you

Whisper, whimpers, and wishes

Into my ears because

all I hear is him

His loud looming lingering

grunts straight from the

Devils' mouth

A clatter in my thoughts

I want to be in your embrace

But every time I fake your pace

His hands

His claws

Are gnawing at my vocal chords

I want to tell you

Maybe now

The claws holding

My throat so tight

Let go

And I can finally

SCREAM

I pass by a church

The bells dormant

I hear the angels weep

Face forward, they never helped

I hear the echo of popa's laugh

I look back

And I begin to weep

I can’t tell my story without a

Trigger warning

I was planted in a garden

Which expected perfect

Christian children

Obeying everything an adult commanded

As if they were commandments

When I was too young I coughed up

Blood

The metallic, sadistic taste

In my baby mouth with barely any teeth

As he tore up my childhood

When I was 3 I was taught how to

Loosen up

For him

When men reached under my skirt

In the holy home of God

I drifted from my body

Like leaves from trees in

Autumn

It was scary at night

Barely breathing

Slipping in and out

Of consciousness

A period?

All I knew was that I bled for hours

Clots and pain

He never knew that for his

Pleasure

He killed our children

And grandchildren

I didn’t know what rape was

Until I was 18

In English Lit reading the tale

Of a girl who was raped

Every page felt like every night

He would come into my room

I tried to report him

But the law is never on the victims’ side

Conclusion achievable if I were a minor

In court I’m an adult, labeled a whiner

They need a detailed deed

But so many memories

Jumbled together under the covers of night

It’s like asking me

What I had for dinner

March 12, 1986

What time was it?

How was the food arranged on your plate?

Who sat where at the table?

The U.S. has a patchy safety net,

They assume that parents can’t be demons.

If you’re lucky, the abuse is caught

And you’re shoved in the system

Too old for foster care?

Too bad.

Flee to the streets

Or be chained to the abuse

Long story short, I ended up homeless

Having to crawl back to him

tail between my legs

Every winter was frigid

Till you made me feel warm

I can’t let you in yet

The wounds will infect

I’m so tormented

I’ll scare you away

And you won’t say

I love you

Anymore

April is the beginning of

Spring

And April is the beginning

To setting us free

Free like cherry blossom

Petals

Speckled like freckles

You hold my hand

Under the church bells

But I don’t rip away

Maybe it will be okay

Maybe now

I can love again

The topic of my poem was the psychological trauma and the impact rape has on victims. The injustice that victims go through in court is also addressed. This topic is very important to me because I know many victims of sexual abuse, and I hear so many of their stories. With the recent explosion of the hashtag #MeToo on social media, people are sharing their stories of sexual abuse and being more open to sharing their experience has made it more clear how many people go through this same traumatic experiences. I connect to this poem because someone very dear to me was a victim of rape, and it took so long for her to understand what actually happened to her. She never went to court and they were so scared of other people when they got close to them.

I used rhyme as one of my poetic devices in this poem. I used it to accentuate something in the poem to make it easier to remember a stanza. Though I didn't use many rhymes, I felt like the ones I did were deliberate and powerful. I also used anaphora(Maybe Now) in my poem. The recurring phrase helped tie the poem together as well as help input the feelings of sorrow and hope. I used sensory language for the reader to envelop in the story and really see and feel every word vividly. I must confess I love using metaphors and similes as they are a great way to get your point across without having to be blunt or simple.  I used some alliteration because it gives the poem a great flow and rhythm!  I didn’t use much alliteration because it was very hard for me to integrate them without it sounding clunky or forced. If I had more time with my poem I would have probably found a way to add more metaphors and imagery to fully invest people into the poem.

Now to critique my performance, we’ll start off with my cadence,tone, and speed. I really tried to involve different types of rhythms to my voice as well as use differing speeds. I also tried changing my volume to emphasize certain things as well as adding voice breaks to input emotion. I felt like I could have used more body language as I used minimal actions to convey my poem. I also felt like my facial expressions were a bit lackluster and could have used more depth but I also thought some parts I really captured the emotion in the poem. If I had more time to work on my performance I would probably go over more body language I could have used, and how to use my voice to more effectively convey emotion like perhaps being softer in some stanzas.