Listen to Literature (Maybe Now Poem)

Maybe Now Performance from GGS on Vimeo.

Maybe Now By GGS transcript

The cashier's hand grazes mine

And I jolt away

Struck by lightning

Cold metal smashes into my palm

Don’t touch me

Don’t touch me

I sit on the train

Still as a cemetery

Don’t touch me

Don’t touch me

We near my stop

Before I can breathe

We jostle to a halt

Bodies colliding

Falling onto me

Every fiber of my being

Wants to run

Maybe now

I won’t tremble every time

Someone touches me

Because I feel

His slimy hands

I find serenity in you

But you’re too close

Too close

TOO CLOSE

I retreat

Maybe now

I won’t run when you

Whisper, whimpers, and wishes

Into my ears because

all I hear is him

His loud looming lingering

grunts straight from the

Devils' mouth

A clatter in my thoughts

I want to be in your embrace

But every time I fake your pace

His hands

His claws

Are gnawing at my vocal chords

I want to tell you

Maybe now

The claws holding

My throat so tight

Let go

And I can finally

SCREAM

I pass by a church

The bells dormant

I hear the angels weep

Face forward, they never helped

I hear the echo of popa's laugh

I look back

And I begin to weep

I can’t tell my story without a

Trigger warning

I was planted in a garden

Which expected perfect

Christian children

Obeying everything an adult commanded

As if they were commandments

When I was too young I coughed up blood

The metallic, sadistic taste

In my baby mouth with barely any teeth

As he tore up my childhood

When I was 3 I was taught how to

Loosen up

For him

When men reached under my skirt

In the holy home of God

I drifted from my body

Like leaves from trees in

Autumn

It was scary at night

Barely breathing

Slipping in and out

Of consciousness

A period?

All I knew was that I bled for hours

Clots and pain

He never knew that for his

Pleasure

He killed our children

And grandchildren

I didn’t know what rape was

Until I was 18

In English Lit reading the tale

Of a girl who was raped

Every page felt like every night

He would come into my room

I tried to report him

But the law is never on the victims’ side

If I were a minor, then it’s a maybe

But now an adult

They need a detailed instance

But so many memories

Jumbled together

Under the covers of night

It’s like asking

What I had for dinner

March 12, 1986

What time was it?

How was the food arranged on my plate?

Who sat where at the table?

The U.S. has a patchy safety net

They assume that parents can’t be demons

If you’re lucky the abuse is caught

And you end up in the system

If you've aged out of foster care

There are programs that aren’t

Perfect

But they beat the hell out of

Choosing the streets

Or going back to the abuse

Long story short I ended up homeless

Having to crawl back to him

tail between my legs

Winter is frigid

Yet you make me feel warm

I can’t let you in yet

The wounds will infect

I’m so worried

I’ll scare you away

And you won’t say

I love you

Anymore

April is the beginning of

Spring

And April is the beginning

To setting us free

Free like cherry blossom

Petals

Speckled like freckles

You hold my hand

But I don’t rip away

Maybe it will be okay

Maybe now

I can love again

Artist Statement: The Story

This poem talks about the political issue of sexual assault, as well as the story of Elizabeth (though this isn't her real name to keep her identity safe). Elizabeth grew up in a very religious household and jumped around between Catholic, public, and private schools but one thing stayed constant. Her father always sexually abused her. She tried to get legal help when she was between 18-20, but the judicial system doesn't favor the victims, and this isn't new news. Back in the day when sexual assault happened on a person's property, the head of the household was the victim, and if they were the person who did the act there couldn't be any legal actions taken against them. And though times have changed quite a lot laws haven't. When Elizabeth went to seek help, they told her they needed vivid detail because she was an adult. As, if she had been a minor, they could have helped her with more ease. Elizabeth ended up homeless because she was too old to go into foster care, but she didn't want to go back to her parents. Sadly she eventually did and suffered a few more years of mistreatment. Later on, she grew up and left her toxic household, then eventually married, though she can't have children because of the trauma her reproductive organs went through at a young age.

My poem isn't to the exact likeness of Elizabeth's story; as such, I took an approach to show how hard just living is for many victims. I wanted to show how hard it is to feel like you're worthy of love and having to deal with the fact that you can't have children because of the trauma the organs have endured. But I also wanted to show that there is hope and that victims are worthy of everything. I also used April as a turning point for Elizabeth realizing this because April is sexual assault awareness month, as well as the new beginning in nature.

To learn more about Elizabeth's story click here

To learn more about Sexual Assault Awareness Month click here

Artist Statement: The Performance
The performance of this poem came very naturally to me, though I needed to think a lot about my actions and my voice throughout the poem. The poem in my mind had intricate and conflicting emotions and I tried to convey them by using different tones and with differing volumes. I had some difficulty when actually performing because when you're so into the performance and your feeling all of the emotions you're trying to convey the words sometimes get jumbled up and I say some words differently than how they were written. I filmed this video around three times and each time I improved and changed little things; my first video was too long, so I edited my poem to be more concise. The second try, which is the one I used, is where I fumbled with my words a little bit but the mistakes were minor. But though they were minor I still wanted to fix them, so I tried filming again, unluckily the camera I was using died around halfway through the performance. Overall I am very pleased with how my performance came out and hope you enjoy it too! 

Artist Statement: The Poetic Devices

Now to the more technical side of my poem. I decided to use quite a few poetic devices to give it rhythm and feeling. These poetic devices put a little bit of magic into a poem giving the flow and realism it has. Some of these devices include:

• Rhyming~ both perfect and imperfect were used in the poem and here are some instances:

"I was planted in a garden

Which expected perfect

Christian children

Obeying everything an adult commanded

As if they were commandments"

• The rhyming I used was very deliberate if I felt like I was losing rhythm or a stanza needed a little more punch. I thought rhyming would give it just that. Though I hate forcing rhymes into poems, it should come freely and you shouldn't feel constricted to have them in, that's why there isn't an overwhelming amount in the poem.

• Anaphora~ 

"Maybe Now"

• I used maybe now as a recurring phrase because I wanted to vocalize how victims are always looking and waiting for that maybe now time. At first, I wanted it to seem like a desperate reach to hope, but after a while, it turned into the feeling that hope is near and that things will work out soon.

• Onomatopoeia  

"I hear the angels weep"
"A clatter in my thoughts"

• I used very subtle onomatopeia so it didn't feel out of place and sudden. The sounds help the reader invest into the poem and hear what I wrote.

• Sensory Language~ 

"The metallic, sadistic taste"

"The cashier's hand grazes mine

And I jolt away

Struck by lightning

Cold metal smashes into my palm"
"Because I feel

His slimy hands"

• I used sensory language for the reader to envelop in the story and really feel and see every word vividly.

• Alliteration~ 

"...Won't run when you whisper, whimpers, and wishes"

"Their loud looming lingering"

• I used alliteration because it gives the poem a wonderful flow and rhythm!

• Consonance~ 

"The metallic, sadistic taste"

"Christain children"

• Consonance helps give the poem, as well as the performance, a little but of a bite because of the sounds I used.

• Imagery~ 

"His slimy hands"

"His claws 

Are gnawing at my vocal chords"
"Before I can breathe

We jostle to a halt

Bodies colliding

Falling onto me"

• Imagery helps the reader see everything I write as well as make it easier for the reader to take to heart what they see.

• Metaphor~ 

"Of grunts straight from the

devils mouth"
"And I jolt away 

As if I was hit by lightning"

"I was planted in a garden

Which expected perfect 

Christian children"

"tail between my legs"

• Metaphors are a great way to get a point across but not have to spell out your point. I loved making metaphors for this poem because comparing something like lighting to the touch of another is so powerful and fun to write!

• Simile~

"It to be instinct like a moth chasing fire"

"I drifted from my body

Like leaves from trees in

Autumn"

• Similes, like metaphors, are great for getting your point to the reader without writing the point word for word. Similes can't be payed around with as much as metaphors but they're a wonderful way to help the reader understand/imagine things better with comparisons.